GARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how? help... *paces up and down* physics practical is in two days *wrings hands* chemistry practical is in four days *tears hair* the theory papers start in seven days *throws arms around*

time stands still as angela stands in the middle of an empty field. camera pans from the left shifty eye to her right shifty eye. camera zooms out to reveal that there is no one around her. zooms out some more to show that she is totally alone in the field. a wind blows across. leaves flutter slowly. andgela starts to dry up. the camera zooms further out. crows fly by, sqwaking in their wake. angela starts to shrivel up. the pile of dust she forms in blown away by the wind. a spotlight shines from nowhere on a neatly folded set of RGS uniform...

help...

i just checked my schedule today. it seems to me that i have my hols planned, all the way up to the twenty-second of december. so booked and squeezed of time. i think school reopening will be a relief.

and i ain't doing enough for my o's. the very fact that i'm blogging proves that i'm online. proves that i'm not spending time the way it should be spent -- studying. and i can tell you honestly, i haven't done muchthe past three days. thursday coz of HC and RJ's open house; friday coz of piano and chong pang; saturday as always; and today coz of sian-ness. what sort of madness is this? i really need to study man. i mean. if the effort i had already put in for prelims isn't enough for me to get a 6, i must double that. or triple that. but i had three weeks for that. and of course, i'm so slack.

how?

How?!

HOW????!!!!!!!!!

help.

erloz...

tired.

and very very worn out by stress... whoever said stress was intangible. if you look at my neck, you might still see the strangulation marks. and stress is a horrible thing. because when you are stressed, you can't play the piano well, you can't focus on your work, you can't maintain your good temper for long -- you can't think of anything nice. that's the most horrible part of it. can you imagine life without anything nice? if you're stressed out, you can.

thankfully, i have a bunch of good enough friends. though i do get paranoid at times and find myself mistrusting everyone... well, all i can say is thank you, isn't it? *bows deeply* and of course same to my family.

went to rjc and hcjc's open houses today. walked around the whole day in a pair of slippers that cut a little... got a blister on my left foot. and stupid me went to prick it and remove the over hanging skin... haha. now hurts like siao, coz i'm sitting cross-legged and perspiration keeps touching the sore area... haha.

the open houses enlightened me to a number of things. rj's teachers were warmer than hcj's. hcj's students were warmer than rj's students, to outsiders that is. the rj spirit was really evident, despite the rumours. rj had a more stressful environment, whilst seniors reflected that hcj was quite slack.

of course... the fees. hcj's fees will be between 100+ to 200+ bucks a month... and i'll have to pay the full amount if i enter the school for the first three months. and if i don't do well enough for my o's i'll have to pay the full amount if i stay there. if i choose not to, i'd have thrown the first three months' fees away and i'd have to adapt to a new environment. if i do well enough, there'll be a refund of the fees. and i'd need to only pay the miscellaneous fees. but of course, that's what they say.

i seriously don't know if i can trust the admin people. there are always so many last minute changes.

stressed.

ta-ta.

i seriously think i'm going mad with stress or something...

today was TJC's open house. we [me, mingwei, yan liang, xiao yi and peipei] went to the open house. haha, as expected, laoshi was there, trying to psycho us into going to TJC. and seriously, i can see why he's so desperate for new blood in the TJCO -- the number of J1's in the CO is really little, meaning less than 30 people. perhaps slightly more. but really it's a really small number. and the CO teacher was trying to discourage us from going to HCJC by saying,"9... 7? not bad. but i hear that most of the people who enter HCJC are 6-pointers." haiz. but it all is understandable.

maybe what HCJC appeals to me over RJC is that i've got PAYCO friends there. and in TJC too. but not a single one in RJC. the good thing about going to RJC is that the gumi is heading there.

and i must say, i'd like to try out for some cca like dance... but seriously, i can't do it well, coz i'm so... stiff.

and i did something really bogus today. on impulse, i kissed joyce on the cheek moments after i greeted her. i think i shocked quite a number of people. and i think i shocked joyce too, though she said, "seeing that it came from you, i'm not that surprised..." haiz... so pai seh. why did i do it? i mean... whenever i kissed anyone, it was always for cosplay camera purposes. and rarely did we really really kiss, just lean very very close. yeah. sharen kissed me once on the lips when she was doing hotohori and i, amiboshi...

omigosh... why am i even talking about kissing? fuck my stupid policy of not erasing something after it has been penned down unless it is a grammatical mistake. haiz... i'm suddenly sounding like some girl from sweet valley middle school. eugh.

but the school is big man. or so i think. you need to walk a distance to get to anywhere. xiao yi complains that there are more female toilets than male ones. *guffaws* and joyce told him that for every female toilet, there'd be a male one, for it is located just beside it. haha. but the school building isn't as bad a s what yuxuan made it out to be. but one complain. the school classrooms are rather enclosed... and non-air-conditioned. haiz... i think i must have gotten used to the air-conned classrooms of RGS(S).

went back to school today for the appointment session with mdm. yeo. it was a comfort. she said, "i don't know what happened to you. why did you do so badly? usually you perform quite well." it's a relief to know that she wasn't trying to humour me previously by blowing up my marks previously. and i must say, it came at a very right time, 'cause i was just about to lose faith in my own results... like "were all my previous a's a bluff?" haha. influenced by tessie's bout of misery on the day we received our chem results. haha.

and since ms wong verified that my answering techniques was the problem and i suddenly feel a surge of confidence in myself. hurrah.

and since it's late, i'll have to get going...

ta-ta.

why does everything i want to blab about go away the moment i open the window? haiz... feel so happy all of a sudden. dunno why also. and i realised that the english i use up here is degenerating... haiz...

oh... and underwater light rocks... so happy after reading it. hee he.

for all people who know the vaguest thing about harry potter and don't mind some slash [homosexual implications/mainstream homosexual relationship] the former in this case, up til now, go check out the fic.

http://www.schnoogle.com/authorLinks/Maya/Underwater_Light

i mean, the language is good, the idea's okay, the characterisation is good, there is humour. what more can you ask for?

haha. ta-ta.

finally got back my results today. it was a... *drumroll* 9. not exactly unexpected, but it's still fine. and i think my appetite for paranoia is insatiable. like... before moderation i was worried sick about whether i can get into RJ or HCJ, even though i already have plans if otherwise and have no problem with TJ. then today, after knowing that there is a chance to enter HCJ, i worry that if i put it as a first choice and i don't manage to get there, there'll be insufficient vacancies in TJ to take me in. haha. a person who knows not his limits will never be satisfied or happy. and i have yet to find the thin line between paranoia and a warped subconscious desire for worrying. i may look down and see the thin red line beneath my feet.

but i don't think so. my ego prefers for me to think of myself as a mentally strong enough person, though it may not be so in reality. and a big ego, as they say, often implies a low self-esteem.

so that brings me back to the greatest mystery man has ever stumbled upon. what are we? what am i?

chemically, we are a bunch of sub atomic and atomic particles that bond to form a compound. biologically, correct me if i'm worng, we are a bunch of cells lumped together, with the weird thing called DNA in our chromo-something designed to create each and every unique individual. i don't know if there is a definition for humans in physics.

so all is left as man found it to be...

oh. today was my graduation assmebly in school. the nostalgia during the last school song to be sung as a student of RGS was like... whoosh. and i started crying in the middle of the third verse. i think i'll miss the school more than i ever expected myself to. and i'll definitely miss the people. especially the significant group of people called the Hentai Gumi not, as well as shieh yuan and the rest of the peiying people who have walked me through the past eight years of my life. that's about half of it as of this year. and i'll miss the school song, which had grown to be a very familiar tune to the many hearts of the Rafflesians in RGS.

the class party after it was warm and nice and everybody couldn't bear to leave and part the warm classroom of 401'03. too many things to say, too little time and not enough words to pen it all down.

i'll leave you with my school song. and a familiar school tune.

RGS School Song

from high olympus flows to us the glory
on us the sacred fire descends
rise sisters rise the world is all before yefear not to grasp what fortune sends

sisters in learning and sisters at heart
life lies before us here's luck to the start

a little while the sun shines high above us
and youth's elixer fills our veins
the magic fire that moves the gods to love us
the fire by which the will attains

sisters in learning and sisters at heart
life lies before us here's luck to the start

so heart to heart we'll scale the heights of learning
no mean desires our days shall shame
wholeheated, true, with priand ardour burning
on sisters on to life and fame

sisters in learning and sisters at heart
life lies before us here's luck to the start

fillae melioris aevi